


Dabethan

by Dabethan



Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: I wrote this as a bet for $3, References to Sex, Set in some sort of Earth C reality, they gave me $4 after they read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 22:37:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: Karkat fake-sues Dave for lying about his name.





	Dabethan

Jade and Karkat had gotten quiet. Dave generally has found this to be a bad sign, since it's usually only an occurrence when they're making some ridiculous scheme. Even when they don't talk the TV still runs. He turns off the water in the bathroom sink before making his way to the living room, where he finds his friends staring at each other on the couch. Two feet apart. Ok. Not suspicious at all.

DAVE: hey guys you look excited and ready for bed  
JADE: oh sorry i was just leaving!

Jade quickly stands up, and pulls on her long blazer cloak.

DAVE: ok thats not suspect or anything  
JADE: relaaaax im just going to a sleepover thats all  
KARKAT: SHE'S GOING TO GO FUCK SOME TROLL.  
JADE: sure if you want to be vulgar about it  
DAVE: gotcha  
DAVE: me too actually  
JADE: well call me if you need any help with that ;)  
KARKAT: I ASSURE YOU HE WILL NOT.  
DAVE: haha nice  
JADE: whateverrrrr im out of here

She blows a kiss goodbye to her best friends and flies out the door, forgetting to close it behind her.

KARKAT: GODDAMN IT, SHE ALWAYS DOES THAT.

Dave moves to shut it before slowly turning around to give Karkat a look. Karkat was still sitting on the couch, his legs crossed and his arms folded. His face looks bizarrely inscrutable.

DAVE: sooooooooo  
DAVE: im not gonna need any help huh  
KARKAT: THAT DEPENDS.  
KARKAT: DOES YOUR DICK STILL WORK?  
DAVE: last i checked yes but its been a while

Dave hovers by the door, suddenly aware that he hasn't sat down. They stare at each other for a minute, until Karkat awkwardly clears his throat.

KARKAT: DO YOU... WANT TO SIT ON THE COUCH?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: sure

Dave wonders why this part never gets easier. The rest of it is always great, but getting started is the worst. He moves to sit exactly one foot away from Karkat.

KARKAT: SO...YOU CAN KISS ME.  
DAVE: whoa  
DAVE: really  
DAVE: you absolutely sure about that one  
KARKAT: YES.  
DAVE: because i dont have to you know  
DAVE: i can go take a shower and you can go back to playing walking dead 69  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: ok i said that cause it was the first funny number to come to my head but now i think thats actually really gross  
KARKAT: DAVE JUST KISS ME ALREADY  
DAVE: yes sir

Quickly closing the gap, Dave takes Karkat's cheek in his hand, and lightly kisses him. It usually gets better from here.

KARKAT: I LOVE YOU, DABETHAN.

What.

DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU. DABETHAN.  
DAVE: ???  
KARKAT: YOUR NAME.  
DAVE: huh  
KARKAT: HM.  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOUR FULL NAME WAS DABETHAN STRIDER.  
DAVE: uhhhh

Then he remembered. Two days ago, Jake jogged in place outside their house, while Dave was spray painting extremely large JPEG effects all over an unstretched canvas. Upon seeing him, Jake started talking about some ridiculous show Dave had no plan to watch, and to distract him he told Jake his full name is Dabethan. It did occur to him he would spread it around, but it didn't really matter that much.

Except now it's made it back to Karkat. How he responds to this revelation could potentially change his life and their relationship forever.

DAVE: yes  
DAVE: yes my name is dabethan  
DAVE: im surprised you knew that

Karkat frowned.

KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE IT IS?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO RECOGNIZE IT.  
DAVE: no it totally is  
DAVE: dave is short for dabethan  
KARKAT: I'M PRETTY SURE IT ISN'T.  
DAVE: are you now  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE LYING TO ME, THEN THAT'S SORT OF A DICK MOVE.  
DAVE: is it  
DAVE: you know what else is a dick move  
KARKAT: I'M ACTUALLY SERIOUS.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: do you ever hear anyone calling me dabethan  
DAVE: im just not used to it thats all  
KARKAT: A LIKELY STORY.  
DAVE: it is  
DAVE: because its true  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: do you still want to make out  
KARKAT: STRANGELY YES.  
DAVE: awesome  
DAVE: but dont  
DAVE: dont call me dabethan while we fuck  
DAVE: just dont do that  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
KARKAT: NO PROMISES.

-

Waking up the next morning, Dave pulled on his usual clothes and trudged into the kitchen. He pressed the button on the coffee machine, and looked out at the hideously saturated blue sky out the window. Absently, he opened his fridge, and found Terezi, eating his mayonnaise out of the jar. They stared at each other in silence for a few moments, while they both registered each other's presence. Terezi slowly reaches a hand into his mayonnaise.

TEREZI: H3Y B1TCH  
DAVE: jade call an exterminator

Jade didn't answer, and he realized that she was probably still at her "sleepover" from last night. He sighed, and then got slapped in the face with a piece of paper.

TEREZI: YOU'R3 B31NG SUMMON3D  
DAVE: what

Dave pulled the piece of paper off his face, to reveal a colorful letter that said "K4RK4T'S SU1NG YOU B1TCH >:]."

DAVE: ok  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: excuse me i need to go talk to my boyfriend  
TEREZI: YOU C4N'T T4LK TO MY CL13NT W1THOUGHT H1S L4WY3R PR3S3NT

Dave considered this.

DAVE: fine  
DAVE: but I need to call my own lawyer

Right on cue, Dave's cell phone rang in his pocket. Terezi climbed out of the fridge, and made her way towards the living room. Dave closed the fridge door, and answered his phone.

DIRK: I heard you need a lawyer.  
DAVE: i dont actually  
DIRK: Tell me you're not thinking of representing yourself in this situation.

Dave sunk a little onto the floor. He JUST woke up. He didn't need this.

DAVE: im not  
DAVE: i have no idea what youre talking about  
DIRK: Don't play dumb. You're smart enough to know what's at stake here.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: nothings at stake???  
DAVE: karkats joke suing me or something  
DAVE: at least it better be a joke cause terezi is is kind of a shitty lawyer so he'd really be wasting his time on whatever this is  
DIRK: Dave, do you actually know why you're getting joke-sued?

He wonders for a moment if he should time travel forward a few weeks, after everyone forgets about whatever this is.

DIRK: You're being sued for lying about your name being Dabethan.

Oh, well that's a relief. Dave is usually pretty good at playing along with any bullshit scenario that gets thrown at him, but it really does help to know what the scenario actually is first.

DAVE: ok i can work with that  
DIRK: No, you don't get it. This is a test.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DIRK: I'm being legit as fuck here dude. This is a test in your relationship. You lied about your name, and he's calling you out. This is your god damn boyfriend Dave.

Shit, that still makes him so happy.

DAVE: wait  
DAVE: you think i lied about my name  
DIRK: Dave.  
DIRK: You don't really expect me to believe I named you "Dabethan Strider," do you?  
DIRK: Even I'm not that awful.  
DAVE: hey  
DAVE: i have to have an attorney that actually believes me as a defendant right  
DIRK: No.  
DIRK: Dave, this is actually really important, do not fuck this u-  
DAVE: bye bro

Dave hangs up, and walks back towards his own bedroom. He could hear Karkat arguing with Terezi somewhere else in the house. Sitting on his bed, he dials his sister's number.

It took the afternoon to form a makeshift courtroom, made up mostly of office furniture and boxes inside an empty block of real estate that Jane owned, so court did not come into session until the next morning. The jury consisted of random Carapacians and Consorts that cheerfully agreed to witness whatever dumbassery they were about to perform. They didn't really need a jury, but it did help make the whole thing look official. The position of judge was the hardest to fill, but Rose and Terezi finally agreed on Calliope, since they had the least personal connection to Dave, Karkat, Rose, and Terezi, and thus they were more likely to be swayed by evidence rather than personal history.

Rose and Terezi were quite pleased with themselves when they surveyed the room. They briefly shook hands, and then joined Dave and Karkat at their respective tables. Behind them, their friends are laying around in the public seating, partly to watch, and partly because they had been asked to act as witnesses. The room quiets as Calliope bangs on their judge desk with one of June's hammers, their silly judge wig bouncing with the motion.

CALLIOPE: order in the coUrt! hello friends!!!

The two parties sort of mutter a hello, and Calliope quickly tries to make themself look stern.

CALLIOPE: we are...gathered here today!  
DIRK: Oh my fucking god.

Seated next to Dirk, Roxy nods at Calliope encouragingly from the viewing section, with Jane on his other side.

CALLIOPE: we are gathered here today, becaUse karkat vantas has accUsed dave strider of…  
CALLIOPE: what has he been accUsed of, actUally???  
TEREZI: B31NG 4 LY1NG B1TCH, MOSTLY

Rose shoots up from her seat.

ROSE: Objection!  
CALLIOPE: an objection already! oh how lovely!  
ROSE: My client is hardly a "lying bitch mostly"; if anything he is a lying bitch partly.

Dave groans and slides down his chair.

TEREZI: D4V3 1S 4 LY1NG B1TCH, 4ND TO PROV3 1T, 1 WOULD L1K3 TO C4LL MY F1RST W1TN3SS  
TEREZI: J4K3 3NGL1SH

The jury goes wild as Jake makes his way to the witness box, which is a large cardboard box labeled "The Witness." He somehow manages to sit down in the box, smooth his hair, and give both a dazzling yet bashful smile towards the jury, all at the same time. He's startled when Terezi walks up and starts sniffing him, in a way that looks surprisingly threatening.

TEREZI: M1ST3R 3NGL1SH  
TEREZI: 1S 1T TRU3 TH4T YOU W3R3 F1RST TO SPR34D TH3 1NFORM4T1ON TH4T M1ST3R STR1D3R'S R34L N4M3 1S 1N F4CT D4B3TH4N STR1D3R?  
JAKE: Yes!  
TEREZI: 3XPL41N YOURS3LF  
JAKE: Er.  
JAKE: How so?  
TEREZI: WHY TH3 CR4P D1D YOU T3LL 3V3RYON3 TH4T  
JAKE: Well its such a fun tidbit you know?  
JAKE: We all go around being called four letter names when it turns out one of our dear comrades could have been referred to as dabethan this whole time!  
JAKE: Really boggles the mind!  
TEREZI: DO3S 1T THOUGH??  
JAKE: Does it???  
TEREZI: TH4T'S WH4T 1'M 4SK1NG YOU  
JAKE: Oh i thought you would know.  
TEREZI: KNOW WH4T  
JAKE: If it does!  
TEREZI: 1F WH4T DO3S??  
JAKE: I dont know its just what you said!!!  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK D1D 1 S4Y  
JAKE: I dont remember.

Every single person both in the jury and public seating begin radiating an energy of intense pissiness. Jane has begun gently banging her head on the bench in front of her, and Karkat is nearly glaring a hole into Terezi's back.

TEREZI: OK TH1S 1S STUP1D  
TEREZI: WH3R3 D1D YOU H34R TH4T D4V3'S N4M3 1S D4B3TH4N  
JAKE: Oh he told me!  
JAKE: We were having a good old fashioned gabblin by the outpost as we all know and like to do  
JAKE: Just really going at it with our lips flapping like the wind.  
JAKE: Youd think we were the heir of breath or something!  
TEREZI: J4K3  
JAKE: But we were having a grand time and i said say strider have you been keeping up on that new show mary and katy meet stacey? And he said no so of course i had to tell him all about the newest best thing on the planet.  
JAKE: Which if i havent been entirely crystal here i am of course referring to the show mary and katy meet stacey. It is the best thing on the planet.  
TEREZI: J4K3!!  
JAKE: So i was telling him it really is remarkable in every way but it truly gets going when they all start taking off their clothes and putting on the skins of their dead pets, thats when it just gets wild and-  
TEREZI: J4K3 SHUT UP  
JAKE: Oh! Rather abrupt of you but alrighty then.  
TEREZI: SO H3 TOLD YOU H1S N4M3 W4S D4B3TH4N  
JAKE: Yes he did!  
TEREZI: 4ND D1D YOU QU3ST1ON TH4T 4T 4LL?  
JAKE: Nope!  
TEREZI: YOU D1DN'T 4SK H1M WHY H3'S N3V3R M3NT1ON3D 1T B3FOR3??  
JAKE: Not at all! I assumed it wasnt my business.  
TEREZI: D1D YOU 4SK H1M WHY H3 D3C1D3D TO T3LL YOU TH1S NOW  
JAKE: I dont think so no!  
TEREZI: J4K3  
JAKE: Yes!  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK YOU'V3 B33N COMPL3T3LY US3L3SS 1N TH1S C4S3  
JAKE: Oh.  
ROSE: Not so fast!

Hastily, Rose rises from her desk and walks up to the witness box.

ROSE: Jake, why do you think Dave told you about his name?  
JAKE: Because were quite good friends probably!

Dave and Jake were not "quite good friends," but Dave decided it was in his best interest to not mention this.

ROSE: If Dave confides in his close friends that his name is really Dabethan, then clearly we should interrogate Dave's closest friends.  
ROSE: I call June Egbert to the stand.

June fumbles a bit from her seat. She awkwardly smiles and tries to acknowledge the other people in the room as she passes them, and sits down in the cardboard box.

JUNE: um, hello!  
ROSE: June, how long have you known my client?  
JUNE: i dunno, about 11 or 12 years?  
JUNE: wow, i've known him way too long.  
ROSE: Agreed.  
ROSE: Would you consider my client and yourself to be "close"?  
JUNE: hang on.  
JUNE: should you be asking questions yet?  
ROSE: What?  
JUNE: isn't there a book i'm supposed to swear i won't lie to? like the bible? do we even have bibles???  
ROSE: I suppose we haven't had a need for them, seeing as how we're all gods on this planet.  
JUNE: i still should probably swear on something.  
CALLIOPE: i agree!  
JUNE: complacency of the learned then?  
ROSE: No. Absolutely not.  
JUNE: ok...uh…  
TEREZI: WH4T ABOUT TH1S BOX OF CH33R1OS?  
JUNE: what? why do you have that?  
TEREZI: WHY WOULDN'T 1  
JUNE: well...yeah ok.  
JUNE: i can believe in cheerios.  
CALLIOPE: hooray for cheerios!

June stands up, and Terezi hands her a box of Cheerios, which seems to be covered in both bite and claw marks.

ROSE: Do you, June Egbert, swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?  
JUNE: yeah, sure.  
ROSE: Great now back to my inquiry.  
ROSE: Ms. Egbert, would you consider my client and yourself to be good friends?  
ROSE: Perhaps "best of bros"?  
ROSE: "Committed to Matri-homie"?  
JUNE: totally.  
JUNE: dave's great.  
ROSE: And has mister Strider ever revealed to you that his full name is in fact Dabethan Strider?  
JUNE: no.

The jury lets out a small gasp of shock.

JUNE: he told me a few years ago that his name was actually davelicious strider.

The jury explodes with outraged cries.

CALLIOPE: qUiet! calm down, please!  
TEREZI: HOW DO YOU 3XPL41N TH4T ON3  
TEREZI: HUH L4LOND3  
ROSE: Very simple.  
ROSE: Davelicious is his middle name.

Aw fuck. Dave inwardly cringes at past Dave's inconsistent lying.

JUNE: well...that is plausible.  
JUNE: but that doesn't sound very likely?  
TEREZI: SO YOU DON'T 4CTU4LLY B3L13V3 D4V3'S N4M3 1S D4B3TH4N  
JUNE: well no.  
JUNE: but i also don't see the harm in him telling everyone it is.  
TEREZI: 4WFUL  
ROSE: You can return to your seat, June. Thank you.

June shuffles her way out of the box, and moves back to her seat by the entrance. Rose clears her throat.

ROSE: I would like to call miss Jade Harley to the stand.

Jade's ears perk up, and she happily flies over to the cardboard box. She swears on the Cheerios, and patiently waits for her questions.

ROSE: Miss Harley, how long have you known my client?  
JADE: a looooong time! ive known him for over a decade now at least  
JADE: we met while playing video games :)  
ROSE: How sweet, and dare I say charming.  
JADE: thank you rose!  
JADE: woof  
ROSE: Tell me miss Harley, would you consider my client to be a close friend?  
JADE: we live together  
JADE: were like this

Jade crosses her index finger under her middle finger, to show just how close they are.

ROSE: And has he ever told you his name was really Dabethan?  
JADE: yep!  
JADE: i thought everyone knew that!  
ROSE: Really?

Rose actually sounds a little surprised by her answer.

JADE: of course! its so obvious!  
JADE: he told me a few years back but its way easier to call him dave so i didnt really think about it  
JADE: to be honest :p  
TEREZI: OBJ3CT1ON!

Terezi stands up, slamming her hands on her desk, and eliciting an excited gasp from the jury.

TEREZI: J4D3 H4RL3Y  
TEREZI: 1S UNR3L14BL3 4S 4 W1TN3SS!!  
JADE: >:(  
TEREZI: J4D3 4CTU4LLY M4D3 4 B3T W1TH MY CL13NT TH4T STR1D3R'S FULL N4M3 1S D4B3TH4N STR1D3R  
TEREZI: THUS PUTT1NG D4V3S 1NNOC3NC3 1N H3R B3ST 1NT3R3ST  
TEREZI: 4ND COMPROM1S1NG H3R 4S 4 W1TN3SS!  
CALLIOPE: jade, is this trUe?  
JADE: weeeeell  
JADE: yes  
ROSE: Damn it.  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
ROSE: Jade, you can go back to your seat.  
JADE: sorry everyone :(

TEREZI: 1 C4LL D1RK STR1D3R TO TH3 ST4ND

Dirk saunters over from the viewing section, and seats himself rather awkwardly in the witness box, like he's too stiff and tense for the shitty cardboard.

TEREZI: DO YOU SW34R TO T3LL TH3 TRUTH 4ND NOTH1NG BUT TH3 TRUTH?  
DIRK: No.  
TEREZI: TH3N YOU C4NT T3ST1FY, D1PSH1T  
DIRK: I didn't want to testify.  
DIRK: I wanted to be an attorney. Or the judge.  
TEREZI: W3LL YOU 4R3N'T C4US3 TH4T WOULD B3 FUCK1NG STUP1D  
TEREZI: YOU'R3 D4V3'S BROTH3R  
DIRK: But you have to admit I would be good at it.  
TEREZI: NO YOU'D SUCK 4SS  
DIRK: I would not.  
TEREZI: Y3S YOU WOULD  
DIRK: Shut up.  
TEREZI: 31TH3R T3ST1FY OR G3T OUT OF H3R3, 4SSHOL3  
DIRK: ...I'll testify. I have something to say.  
TEREZI: DON'T YOU ALW4YS  
DIRK: I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  
DIRK: ...to a degree.

A chorus of groans softly grumble through the room.

TEREZI: WH4T3V3R  
TEREZI: PO1NTY OR4NG3 4N1M3 D4V3  
TEREZI: T3LL TH3 COURT WHY YOU TH1NK D4V3 1SN'T N4M3D D4B3TH4N  
DIRK: Because that's a stupid fucking name, that's why.  
DIRK: Look I may have more than a few problems, but I am pretty damn confident that even in another universe I wouldn't have named my kid "Dabethan."  
DIRK: I'm a sadist, not an asshole.  
ROSE: Objection!  
CALLIOPE: sUstained!  
ROSE: You are absolutely an asshole.  
DIRK: Oh come on.  
DIRK: This is such bullshit. What is this, national "Let's Insult Dirk Day"?  
DIRK: This is embarrassing. I can't believe I have to watch this shitty courtroom drama where everyone swears on a half eaten box of Cheerios.  
DIRK: And Rose!  
DIRK: What the fuck!  
DIRK: You're better than this shit. You could even become a real lawyer if you wanted to, but instead you're defending Dave's position, as if Karkat isn't clearly in the right!  
DIRK: Dave, listen to me.

Dirk leans forward, putting some weight on the front of the box.

DAVE: …  
DIRK: You're lucky enough to actually have a boyfriend, and instead of being honest with him you've decided to die on the stupidest hill you could possibly find.  
DIRK: It's best to fess up, and have some make-up sex as quickly as possible.  
KARKAT: EW, WHAT THE FUCK.  
TEREZI: OK 1T'S T1M3 FOR YOU TO G3T OUT OF TH3 BOX  
DIRK: I'm not done.  
TEREZI: Y3S YOU 4R3

Tense and annoyed, Dirk nearly crushes the box as hes stomps out of it. He walks back to his own seat, and sits perfectly straight, steam practically billowing out of his ears.

TEREZI: 4S STUP1D 4S TH4T T3ST1MONY W4S  
TEREZI: 1T DO3S CONF1RM SOM3TH1NG TH4T 1 TH1NK 1S PR3TTY R34SON4BL3  
TEREZI: D4V3'S BROTH3R WOULD NOT B3 SUCH 4 W31RDO TH4T H3'D N4M3 H1S SON D4B3TH4N  
ROSE: And to counter that, I call Roxy Lalonde to the stand.  
ROXY: finally

Roxy casually glides over to the witness stand before floating inside it. He smiles at the court, who cheer moderately.

ROSE: M...mx? Lalonde.  
ROXY: sure  
ROSE: Mx Lalonde. You are, genetically, one of my client's parents.  
ROXY: as far as im aware yep  
ROSE: Would you share with us what you would have named your son?  
ROXY: are u kidding  
ROXY: shit id name him all sorts of crap  
ROXY: sterence is good  
ROXY: sterence strider  
DAVE: i like that one  
ROXY: rite its way better than fuckin dave  
ROXY: gerome is good cause its almost like gnome but its got a ger in there  
ROSE: That's not how Gerome is supposed to be pronounced.  
ROXY: who r u the name police  
DAVE: (god hes so great)  
ROXY: anyway clearly dabethan is great  
ROXY: like its got dab like the dance and dabe like the name  
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS NAMED DABE.  
ROXY: uhhhh our dear sweet dabey here is obviously  
ROXY: thats what all this is about dumbass  
TEREZI: OK OBJ3CT1ON  
CALLIOPE: sUstained!!!  
TEREZI: ROXY, YOUR PR3 SCR4TCH S3LF N3V3R KN3W D4V3  
TEREZI: HOW WOULD 4NY OF TH1S CONCLUD3 TH4T H1S N4M3 1S 4CTU4LLY D4B3TH4N?  
ROXY: bcause my parental luv for dabe and rose transcends the universe  
ROXY: and because dirk would totally have named his kid dabethan hes dum as hell and dave totally looks like a dabethan  
DIRK: Objection!  
CALLIOPE: overrUled!!!  
ROSE: Thank you, mx Lalonde. You can return to your seat.

Roxy graciously rises and bows to the court, before making his way back towards his friends in the left aisle.

ROSE: Friends and current rivals, we have heard from Dave's close friends and relatives. But now I would like to call his closest friend to the stand: The Mayor.

The entire court loses it. Even Dirk sort of half cheers at the announcement. Everybody loves The Mayor.

But The Mayor did not come. There was some shuffling noises, and everyone's attention was drawn to a small fort made of boxes next to the jury box. A small black hand quickly pushes out a note, from inside the fort. Terezi walks over to read it.

TEREZI: 1T S4YS  
TEREZI: "1 DON'T W4NT TO T3ST1FY"  
TEREZI: "1T M4K3S M3 TOO N3RVOUS"  
TEREZI: "SORRY"  
CALLIOPE: well that's UnfortUnate.  
CALLIOPE: bUt we can't be making anyone nervoUs! that woUld be very Unnecessary and crUel.  
ROSE: I agree, actually. We'll have to continue without him.  
TEREZI: OH W3LL  
CALLIOPE: in that case, i sUppose yoU are both oUt of witnesses.  
VRISKA: Not a chance!  
VRISKA: I call myself to the stand!

Vriska jumps over the court gate and smugly sits herself in the witness box.

TEREZI: VR1SK4, YOU C4N'T C4LL YOURS3LF TO TH3 ST4ND.  
VRISKA: Yes I can! On account of the rest of you sucking!  
CALLIOPE: hmm...i will allow it!  
VRISKA: Of course you will.  
VRISKA: You see, we have 8een interrog8ing Dave's 8est friends for the last like gajillion hours, 8ut we have forgotten a very important aspect of law.  
TEREZI: 1MPOSS1BL3, 1 KNOW 4LL TH3 L4WS  
VRISKA: Nope! You have forgotten:  
VRISKA: "Everyone is innocent until proven guilty."  
VRISKA: 8ut that's 8oring, so let's mix it up:  
VRISKA: "Dave is guilty until proven innocent"!  
DAVE: hey  
VRISKA: I wonder. Why is it that Dave o8viously decided to lie about his name? What was the reason?  
VRISKA: WHAT WAS THE REASON DAVE????????  
DAVE: jesus christ  
DAVE: i didnt have a-  
DAVE: i didnt lie  
DAVE: it is my name  
DAVE: dabethan strider  
ROSE: Davelicious.  
DAVE: dabethan davelicious strider  
DAVE: (fuck)  
VRISKA: To prove that Dave is a l8ar, I call Jane Crocker to the stand!  
JANE: Wh-  
JANE: What?

Jane clearly had not planned on testifying. She was probably there to make sure they weren't going to fuck up her property. Still, she sucked in her breath, and made her way to the box, as Vriska graciously moved aside. Vriska begins pacing the minute Jane sits down.

VRISKA: Miss Crocker.  
VRISKA: Is that your real name?  
JANE: Yes???  
VRISKA: Truly 8izarre.  
JANE: ???  
VRISKA: Now tell me, miss Crocker: you ran for president f8rly recently, did you not?  
JANE: Yes.  
VRISKA: And Dave helped Karkat run against you.  
JANE: Yes. I'm sorry, is this relevant?  
VRISKA: Yep.  
VRISKA: Now tell us, in your most likely extremely 8iased opinion, why you think Dave Strider may 8e a l8ar.

Jane looks like she is getting a bit hot in the face.

JANE: W-well...I don't see why I would think he is!  
JANE: He seems to be quite well adjusted and normal if I'm honest.  
VRISKA: On second thought may8e you're the l8ar in this situ8ion.  
JANE: What!!!  
JANE: No!!!  
JANE: I just haven't had much experience with Dave, that's all!!!  
TEREZI: Y34H, OBV1OUSLY  
VRISKA: Come on Crocker, this is your chance to really defame him. Just 8urn him to death.  
DAVE: holy shit dude  
DAVE: what did i do to you  
JANE: Well…  
JANE: I guess he has told me some lies before.  
VRISKA: Oh??? Ela8or8.  
JANE: A few years ago, he told me that he needed to go to the dentist, and that's why he couldn't go to my housewarming party.  
JANE: Later paparazzi posted pictures of him playing video games at an arcade.  
JANE: It really hurt my feelings. :(  
KARKAT: WOW.  
DAVE: oh man  
DAVE: ok that does sound mean  
ROSE: This is way off topic.  
VRISKA: You're right. I'm practically snoring.  
VRISKA: Jane, get out of here.  
JANE: Oh thank goodness.

Jane hurriedly walks out of the box, and goes back to sit by Dirk and Roxy, who puts an arm around her and squeezes.

VRISKA: How a8oooooooout…  
VRISKA: We call Kanaya to the stand!  
KANAYA: No  
VRISKA: Come on girl, seriously, I'm so fucking 8ored.  
KARKAT: ADMITTEDLY SHE DOES FIND DAVE EXTREMELY ANNOYING.  
VRISKA: See? Guilty until proven innocent. Get over here Maryam.  
KANAYA: Sigh

Kanaya glides elegantly to the box. She probably had only come to watch her wife act as an attorney.

KANAYA: I Don't know What You Want Me To Say.  
VRISKA: Just tell us whether or not you think Dave is a l8ar.  
ROSE: Also why. That part is important.  
KANAYA: Dave Strider Is Alright But He Is Annoying  
KANAYA: Part Of This Is Because He Does Indeed Lie About These Sorts Of Things  
KANAYA: But If We Are Being Totally Honest  
KANAYA: I Do Not Think That Actually Means Anything  
KANAYA: It Is Very Silly To Use All This Energy To Create A Fake Court And Fake Sue Someone For Spreading Lies About His Name  
KANAYA: Especially Since There Is No Evidence That Could Possibly Be Presented That Can Prove That He Is Or Is Not Named Dabethan  
KANAYA: There Just Isnt Anything That Could Support It Youll Be At A Stand Still  
KANAYA: Youll Run In Circles Forever  
TEREZI: AWESOME  
KARKAT: OH GOD.  
VRISKA: GOOOOOOOOD.  
VRISKA: I've had enough of this. I'm getting a pr8zel.

Vriska unceremoniously leaves the courtroom. Kanaya sits in the box rather stiffly. Rose taps her pen on her desk.

ROSE: Kanaya darling, I think you can go now.  
KANAYA: Good  
ROSE: Thank you for your contribution to this case.  
KARKAT: WHAT CONTRIBUTION.  
KANAYA: You Are Welcome

Rose walks to the center of the room as Kanaya glides past.

ROSE: I would like to call to the stand, mister Karkat Vantas.  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, FINALLY.

Karkat waddles up to the box and sits down. He's clearly been waiting for this all day.

KARKAT: I SOLEMNLY SWEAR ON THIS WHACK ASS BOX OF CEREAL THAT I WON'T LIE ABOUT MY WHACK ASS BOYFRIEND.  
ROSE: Mister Vantas, why did you decide to sue your boyfriend over allegedly lying about his name?  
KARKAT: BECAUSE JADE SAID SHE'D BUY ME LUNCH IF I COULD PROVE DABETHAN ISN'T HIS NAME.  
ROSE: Is that really it?  
KARKAT: YES, SURPRISINGLY.  
ROSE: Then what was the point in going to all this effort to defame him?  
KARKAT: LOOK.  
KARKAT: WE ALL KNOW I HATE DAVE STRIDER MORE THAN ANYONE.  
DAVE: thats not what your mom said last night  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: i mean thats not what you said last night  
KARKAT: SEE, THIS IS WHY I HATE HIM.  
KARKAT: BUT I ALSO THINK HE IS PRETTY OK SOMETIMES.  
DAVE: how touching  
KARKAT: WHEN IT REALLY COMES DOWN TO IT, JADE SAID SHE'D BUY ME LUNCH,  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO DAVE JUST KEEPS LYING.  
KARKAT: LIKE WHAT'S THE POINT?  
KARKAT: WE ALL KNOW HE'S FULL OF SHIT AND JUST SAID THAT TO RILE PEOPLE UP.  
KARKAT: AND I'M HIS GODDAMN BOYFRIEND AND HE STILL WON'T TELL ME THE TRUTH.  
KARKAT: THAT HURTS.  
KARKAT: I WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ANYONE ELSE.  
KARKAT: EXCEPT JADE, BUT WE BOTH KNOW SHE DOESN'T COUNT.  
DAVE: yeah shes cool  
JADE: :D  
KARKAT: HONESTLY "DUDE"  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY SHOULD JUST OWN UP TO YOUR OWN ACTIONS ALREADY.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE, MIRACULOUSLY, DIRK WAS RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I'M YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND.  
TEREZI: W3LL S41D  
KARKAT: THANKS, I KNOW.  
DAVE: hm

Karkat excused himself from the box, and sat back at his table. Terezi gave a hacking cough to get everyone's attention.

TEREZI: 1 C4LL TH3 COOLK1D H1MS3LF TO TH3 ST4ND  
DAVE: sick

Dave wanders over to the stand and sorta sits in it with his legs hanging out. He didn't expect this position to be so uncomfortable, but now he has to pretend he's chilling. There will be no cracks in this façade.

DAVE: what up its me  
TEREZI: GR34T  
TEREZI: LOOK, 1'LL CUT TO TH3 CH4S3  
TEREZI: 1S YOUR R34L N4M3 D4B3TH4N D4V3L1C1OUS STR1D3R?  
DAVE: yes indeedy do  
TEREZI: BULLSH1T  
DAVE: thanks for the feedback ill take it into consideration  
TEREZI: JUST 4DM1T YOU L13D TO PR4NK J4K3 OR SOM3TH1NG  
JAKE: What?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: heres the thing  
DAVE: karkat says it hurts that i have supposedly lied to him  
DAVE: which i did not by the way  
DAVE: but you know what hurts more  
DAVE: your boyfriend confronting you about whether your name is fake  
DAVE: and then suing you  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: after his lawyer eats all your mayonnaise  
TEREZI: TH4T'S 1RR3L3V4NT  
DAVE: im just saying  
DAVE: relationships are built on trust  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD.  
KARKAT: OK NO THIS IS STUPID WE'RE DONE LISTENING TO DAVE NOW.  
CALLIOPE: woUld anyone fancy a break?

The room makes general sounds of agreement, and everyone began to shuffle around. Most of the court walks outside the room but Karkat pulls Dave into a secluded corner of the hall.

KARKAT: I'M THINKING OF CALLING IT QUITS.  
DAVE: oh so you give up  
KARKAT: HELL NO. OBVIOUSLY YOUR NAME ISN'T FUCKING "DABETHAN DAVELICIOUS STRIDER."  
KARKAT: YOU CLEARLY MADE THAT UP.  
KARKAT: LIKE IT JUST SCREAMS "DAVE MADE THIS UP."  
KARKAT: BUT IM BORED AS FUCK.  
DAVE: ugh same  
KARKAT: AND OUR FRIENDS ARE REALLY ANNOYING???  
DAVE: haha yeah  
DAVE: man  
DAVE: courtrooms man  
DAVE: really makes you think  
KARKAT: ABOUT WHAT.  
KARKAT: JUSTICE??? THE LAW???  
DAVE: boning  
KARKAT: OF COURSE.  
DAVE: we should bone in the courtroom after we kick everyone out  
KARKAT: EW.  
DAVE: itll be great we could roleplay  
KARKAT: AS WHAT.  
DAVE: what do you mean  
KARKAT: LIKE  
KARKAT: ARE THERE WITNESSES?  
KARKAT: WHO IS THE JUDGE? CALLIOPE???  
KARKAT: SHOULD WE PRETEND ROSE AND TEREZI ARE THERE TOO???  
DAVE: what no  
DAVE: jesus christ no  
DAVE: actually never mind forget i said this at all  
KARKAT: WHAT WOULD WE EVEN DO???  
DAVE: nothing wed do nothing and we wouldnt imagine any of our friends or siblings are there  
KARKAT: ONE OF US WOULD WEAR THOSE SHITTY WHITE WIG THINGS.  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: yes  
DAVE: but seriously cut it out this is getting too weird  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: its stupid but  
DAVE: if this was all about jade buying you lunch id rather just buy you lunch myself  
KARKAT: NO SHIT?  
DAVE: yeah really  
DAVE: like this is exhausting and dumb as hell  
KARKAT: SO YOU'RE REALLY ACTUALLY NOT GOING TO ADMIT YOUR NAME IS NOT DABETHAN.  
KARKAT: AND INSTEAD PAY ME OFF WITH LUNCH.  
DAVE: babe it hurts how you dont believe me  
DAVE: because i assure you my full name is truly dabethan davelicious strider  
DAVE: but also i never want to hear that name again and yes i will buy you lunch if you stop interrogating me and all our friends  
KARKAT: I GUESS.  
DAVE: awesome

And with that, the two turn around, and walk back into the courtroom.

The court is getting settled again. Terezi is shuffling her pile of bizarre scribbles, and Rose is studiously writing in neat cursive on her legal pad. Vriska is lazily eating a pretzel in the front row of the public section, while the rest of their friends casually filed in, talking with each other. Dave and Karkat walked back to their respective tables.

CALLIOPE: welcome back! ^u^ i hope yoU're all qUite rested now, becaUse we can potentially go on like this for hoUrs!!!

Oh dear god. Yeah, it's definitely time to end this shit.

DAVE: actually we uh  
DAVE: have come to a compromise  
DAVE: while on break

You could hear a pin drop in the room Calliope looks obviously disappointed.

CALLIOPE: oh. well that's alright i gUess. i'll allow it. what did yoU settle Upon?  
KARKAT: HE'S GONNA BUY ME LUNCH. THAT WAY I GET MY FREE LUNCH, JADE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT, AND DAVE CAN BE LET OFF THE HOOK.

The room ripples with murmurs and displeased muttering. Rose and Terezi give each other a look, and seem to come to the same conclusion.

TEREZI: SO HOW'R3 YOU GONN4 PAY US FOR OUR S3RV1C3S?

Karkat's thick eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

KARKAT: HELL, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY YOU? SERIOUSLY?  
KARKAT: WE DIDN'T EVEN *DO* ANYTHING, BESIDES SCREAM AND YELL AND PRACTICALLY THROW OUR OWN SHIT AT EACH OTHER.  
ROSE: But you have to agree that Terezi and I formed a court, built our cases, and gathered witnesses for said case, for no reason other than to satisfy your own ridiculous antics. We spent a lot of time on this bullshit.  
ROSE: To put it mildly, we did all the work.

The jury nods seriously. Vriska snorts.

VRISKA: You did all the work???????? 8itch WE did all the work!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Are you even serious????????  
VRISKA: Yeah, ok, you gathered everyone here, 8ut I'm the one who tried to keep this snooze fest from collapsing from 8oredome, and everyone else has 8een w8ing around all day giving their t8es and listening to 8oring fucking gi88erish.  
VRISKA: Only to 8e told last minute that no one wins!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: actually  
DAVE: technically karkat jade and i win  
VRISKA: 8ullshit!!!!!!!!

Rose sighs, so heavily it sounded like the personification of a headache.

ROSE: Ok, so we didn't do ALL of the work. But we did do a significant amount. And there are many unhappy people in this room who have worked all day, only to discover that they won't be getting compensated for their efforts.  
TEREZI: TH3Y'R3 SO UNH4PPY  
TEREZI: TH3Y M4Y 3V3N F33L L1K3 SU1NG YOU  
TEREZI: FOR B31NG T1M3 W4ST1NG B4ST4RDS  
ROSE: They'd be very well represented.  
TEREZI: 1'V3 H34RD TH31R L3G4L T34M 1S TH3 *B3ST*  
DAVE: christ  
JUNE: hold on- are you saying you want us to do this AGAIN? With ANOTHER case???  
JUNE: guys, I think we should just go home.  
ROXY: yea im hungry honestly this has been going on for 4eva

The room has certainly gotten noisy. Calliope hits the desk with June's hammer, and stands up, their expression stern.

CALLIOPE: qUiet in the coUrt!!!  
CALLIOPE: i have made my decision!!!

Everyone starts, then stares, waiting for whatever verdict this extremely legitimate judge has to give, on a case that hasn't actually started yet.

CALLIOPE: dave and karkat are reqUired to pay for *everyone's* lUnch! except karkat's lUnch will also be paid for by dave, since that was the agreement prior to the Unrest in the coUrtroom ^u^.  
KARKAT: AW FUCK.  
DAVE: i have to do what now  
JANE: Oh! Thank you.  
JAKE: Hooray!!!  
ROXY: nice  
JUNE: yeah, alright.  
DIRK: Fine.  
VRISKA: SICK free lunch.  
TEREZI: 1 LOV3 FR33 LUNCH  
ROSE: It's a fair price to pay, for toiling in a hot courtroom for several hours.  
ROSE: Pretending to be interested in my brother, his boyfriend, and roommate's absurd bet that they took too far, due to a predisposition for dramatic flair.  
KANAYA: If You Say So  
JADE: sounds good to me!!!

As they leave the court, Karkat grabs Dave by the sleeve, trying not to get jostled too far from him in the crowd.

KARKAT: HEY CAN WE AGREE  
KARKAT: TO ABSOLUTELY NEVER PULL THIS SORT OF BULLSHIT AGAIN?  
KARKAT: CAUSE NOW I HAVE TO BUY LIKE A HUNDRED PEOPLE LUNCH, AND THAT'S SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING.  
DAVE: yeah duh obviously  
DAVE: this was a terrible idea and now we're having to pay for jades lunch  
KARKAT: LITERALLY HOW IS THAT FAIR!  
JADE: its extremely fair!!! :)  
DAVE: this is mostly your fault you both know that right  
DAVE: this was because of your stupid fucking bet  
DAVE: and now i have to buy our friends lunch  
JADE: im glad youre being such a good sport about it, dabethan!


End file.
